Thursday, April 1, 2010
Posts for April 1, 2010
Palin, Romney and McCain Urge Republicans to Support Same-Sex Marriage
In a surprising turnaround, three major Republicans held a joint press conference this morning to announce that they are now supporting same-sex marriage.
“It was really quite simple,” Ms. Palin said. “For years I didn’t know any gay people. I couldn’t even see one from my house! But that changed once I got to know so many members of the Congress. I’ve come to think of gay people as just a bunch of mavericks! I mean, airport bathrooms? Snorkeling? Those guys are mavericks. By the way, do you all think Barney Frank is gay?”
John McCain echoed Ms. Palin’s conversion. “My friends, the tipping point for me was my good buddy Joe Lieberman. And he is just a buddy so don’t assume I’ve gone whole hog for the idea. But Joe sat me down at lunch one day and told me Ricky Martin was gay. Well, I didn’t know! And I like Ricky Martin. And I like Joe Lieberman. But only as friend. So, my friends, that’s how I ended up here. Ha-ha-ha.”
But it was Mitt Romney, the man who tried to stop gay marriage in Massachusetts, who seemed the most enthusiastic. “Well, I just want to say that right now I consider myself gayer than a gay person. I’m going to flip back to my position in the 1990’s and say that I’d be better for gay people than Ted Kennedy, God rest his soul. Today I say, I’d be better for gay people than gay people!”
Military Leaders Announce New Policy to Replace Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
Top military brass gathered in front of the White House today to announce their new policy to replace Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Called DAJY (Don’t Ask, Just Yell) the generals said they hoped this would allow LGBT people to feel more comfortable.
“We don’t want them to simply tell us they’re gay,” said one officer. “We want them to yell! We want to hear chants of We’re here, we’re queer, we’re going shootin’” on the battlefield.
Focus on the Family Changes Its Mind
The head of Focus on the Family announced today that the group will no longer oppose same-sex marriage. Instead, he said, "We’ve changed our name to Focus on the Famine.”
This really was what we meant to be all along. You know, focusing on famine. Somehow someone misprinted our letterhead and wrote Focus on the Family. Now we decided to get back to our roots.
And you know, we started thinking that starving children was a little more important than two guys kissing, even though that still gives us the creeps.
From Orange Juice to Milk!
Former Miss America Anita "Scary Juice Lady" Bryant, who in the 1970’s worked tirelessly to make sure gay people had no rights whatsoever, has changed her mind. It is hoped that her new slogan, “Milk is better than orange juice,” will keep the pressure on the Federal Post Office to issue a stamp with the image of Harvey Milk.